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Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Babies in my Shepherds Pie

Most girls have the same life goals: date a boy, get voted Homecoming Queen (popular & electoral votes), get married, take a picture of a Chupacabra, renew your vows, get divorced, renew your divorce-vows, eat a pie behind a middle school, get remarried, and have a baby. Call me crazy but no baby for me please! I want my life to be fun and easy, not, as Shakespeare might say, “done and queasy” (SOURCE: Oxford English Rhyming Dictionary).

Pregnancy is just a mess. It’s like you’re a Turducken: a woman stuffed with a fetus stuffed with the Turducken that you eat every day for breakfast. Your clothes stop fitting, and you have to start buying pants/Quinceanera dresses/Quinceanera tiaras with elastic wastes. You have to start eating and mainlining for two. Sometimes you can’t help but sample the cocoa butter that you’re putting on your stretch marks. And I want to keep my figure! (For those of you on the Internet who haven’t met me, I’m 5’10”, 120 lbs. 34DDD and my name is Heidi Klum, and I’m the model Heidi Klum.)

Have you ever SEEN a baby? Or, if you’re blind, have you ever touched a baby’s face and smelled a baby’s face and used echolocation to tell what color it is? They are crazy nasty-looking. Also, they’re passive-aggressive and love to give the silent treatment.

Pushing a baby out of your body is like pushing a watermelon through your yoo-hoo, and, trust me, that was NOT a fun Cancun Spring Break 2004 drinking game. The only thing I want coming out of my body is a contented sigh, when I’ve eaten an extra-tasty Toblerone in my baby-free bachelor/bachelorette pad filled with non-baby-proofed coffee table corners and sharp Toblerone vending machines.

How about the money issues? I can’t afford a child, let alone a kid. Diapers alone cost thousands of dollars each, if you prescribe to the Old Wives’ Tale that you should only use Gutenberg bible pages as diapers. I need all the money I can get for adult things like cars and taxes-themed Mad Libs. People with babies don’t get to be adults anymore. I would have to give up my right to my height-restricted dinner parties. Call me crazy and Heidi Klum, but I just don’t think it’s worth it.

Sure, sometimes I get bored and lonely without a baby. There are only so many times you can stage an intervention for your blow-up sex doll gal pal, even though she really needs to know that she doesn’t have to sleep with guys just to feel pretty. And there are only so many times you can buy three blow-up sex dolls and pretend to be “Sex and the City”. But, even though my biological clock might be saying “have a baby”, my biological cell phone voicemail message is saying “enjoy your 20’s and DON’T have a baby”, and my biological fridge is saying “eat that cottage cheese, it’s still good”.

Ugh – I’m supposed to give you a recipe now, huh?!
Ryan doesn’t know this so hopefully he doesn’t waste his time reading this blog but this week, I’m making a Shepherd’s Pie with Lamb.

1 tsp. Canola or Vegetable Oil
3 med. Yellow onions, peeled and diced
3 lbs. American lamb leg, ground or diced into ½” cubes
6 Tbsp. All-purpose flour
3 med. Carrots, peeled and diced
1 Cup fresh or frozen peas
1 Cup fresh or frozen corn kernels
3 Tbsp. Tomato paste
2 Tbsp. Worcestershire sauce
3 Cups lamb stock
½ Cup Chopped Parsley
4 lbs. Yukon Gold potatoes, washed
½ Cup Heavy cream
½ lb. Salted butter
8 oz. English Derby and/or Cheddar Cheese, shredded

Heat oil in a large, heavy-bottomed pot. Add onions and cook until softened. Add lamb and cook until browned; dust with flour and mix thoroughly. Cook an addition 1 min. Add carrots, peas and corn; mix well. Add tomato paste and Worcestershire.
Gradually add stock; bring to a boil then reduce to a simmer. Simmer on log about 10 min. Adjust seasoning with salt and pepper. Remove from heat; stir in parsley. Set aside to cool.
In another pot, cover potatoes with cold water. Bring to a boil; reduce heat and simmer until potatoes are fork tender. Drain and steam dry.
In a large bowl, combine heavy cream and butter. Grate potatoes, skin on; gently mix into cream and butter until semi-smooth with small chunks.
Spoon the cooked lamb mixture into a large casserole pan. Spread a layer of the mashed potatoes over the lamb mixture; stop with shredded cheese.
Bake at 375 degrees until internal temperature reaches 165 degrees.

This is a huge yield (will probably make 10-12 servings) so vary quantities as needed.


  1. Murphy's law:
    Someday you're going to get pregnant on accident, and you'll spend your thirties blogging about kid-friendly meals and how to look stylish while carrying a diaper bag. Then you'll coach the soccer team and tell your kids how normal you are, and how someday they'll grow up to be just like you. In the meantime, remind me never to eat watermelon at your house!

  2. P.S. You're totally right about the turducken thing though.